The Secretaries

About the show

This satirical play opens with a rhyming prolog recited in unison by Dawn, Ashley, Peaches, and Patty. They explain that they are part of a cult that, once a month, gathers to murder one of the lumberjacks employed by the logging mill they work for, and blame it on a logging accident. Scene one starts on the day Patty is promoted from being a receptionist to a secretary and starts on her path to join the cult, referred to in more public circles as the Big Bone Women's Association. Patty quickly learns that the office hierarchy circles around whoever currently holds the award of secretary of the month, an award that it seems is best won by being sexually pliable towards Susan, the office manager, and by maintaining an unrealistically thin figure. As Patty works her way into the tightly knit clique of secretaries, she is introduced to some of the strange rituals and rules practiced by their cult. At the first meeting she attends, she is puzzled as to why Susan collects the women's used tampons, and why she is required to sign a pledge of celibacy to join. Despite signing the pledge, Patty quickly finds herself in a sexual relationship with Buzz, one of the company lumberjacks, and shortly after, she also hooks up with Dawn, the "Office Lesbian". Despite Patty's pleading, neither secret remain so for long; soon the entire office knows. As the end of the month approaches, Patty becomes stressed as she watches Susan and the rest of the secretaries become more and more manic. Susan starts drinking and driving, Peaches begins to binge eat, Dawn becomes more sexually aggressive, and Ashley becomes violently jealous over the fact that Patty wins secretary of the month. On the last night of the month, Susan gathers the secretaries in the woods to kill a lumberjack, in this case, Buzz, and to steal his jacket for Patty, the newest member of the cult, to wear. While Patty resists at first, she quickly breaks down and admits that she wants to join in with the plan. After the women take turns chain sawing Buzz to death, the play ends with another short and chilling rhyme: "Patty's got her jacket now. She fits in with the rest. She cut her boyfriend into bits, and so she passed the test. Save? No. We’re way beyond saving. We’re at the end. We should provide a moral for this story, but this is not a moral tale or complex allegory. No, we prefer you think of this as purely cautionary. Remember, sitting next to you could be a secretary!".