The Millionairess

About the show

Epifania Ognisanti di Parerga, the richest woman in England (and possibly Europe), barges into the offices of solicitor Julius Sagamore wanting him to draw out a will leaving everything to her husband Alistair Fitzfassenden (an amateur tennis and boxing champion), and states that after the will is signed, she intends to kill herself. Sagamore manages to get her to calm down, and she explains her circumstances: before her father died and left her thirty million pounds, he had made her promise that if any man wanted to marry her, she was to give him one hundred fifty pounds and six months to turn it into fifty thousand; if the man failed, she was never to see him again. Alistair succeeded (by co-producing a hit play), but the marriage has since imploded to the point where Alistair is having a relationship with Patricia Smith (nicknamed "Polly Seedy-Stockings") and Epifania is spending time with Adrian Blenderbland (a self-styled intellectual and inveterate gourmand). Alistair and Polly arrive at Sagamore's office while Epifania is there wanting to discuss a possible separation between Alistair and Epifania, and Blenderbland also turns up also wanting to consult Sagamore. After a confusing consultation in which nothing gets resolved, Epifania leaves with Blenderbland to have lunch somewhere in the country and Alistair and Polly leave together (with Polly telling Sagamore that she fully intends to have Alistair for her own). Epifania and Blenderbland are at a rather run-down riverside establishment having just finished lunch. Epifania is cheerful, but Blenderbland is totally "out of temper" because of the horrible meal he has just had to endure. His bad mood leads to harsh words between the two, and when Blenderbland makes disparaging remarks about Epifania's late father (whom she still worships), she uses her knowledge of and skill at judo to throw him not only all over the room but down the stairs, after which she collapses in hysterics. She is found in that condition by an Egyptian doctor, who, seeing that her fit has subsided, rushes to Blenderbland's aid instead of staying with her (much to her astonishment) and later returns to inform her that the landlord is taking Blenderbland to the local hospital in her car. She becomes fascinated by the doctor and insists that he become her doctor, which he refuses. Her feminine wiles also have no effect on him, since "Women are neither interesting nor attractive to me except when they are ill. I know too much about them, inside and out," and he is completely dedicated to his work; however, as a case she does interest him. As they talk, Epifania becomes extremely interested in the doctor and tells him point-blank that she wants to marry him, She starts to tell him about her father's test, but he interrupts her to inform her that his late mother had made him promise to impose a similar test on any woman who wanted to marry him: he is supposed to give the woman two hundred piastres (approximately thirty shillings or one and a half pounds) and she is to make her living for six months with only that money and the clothes she is currently wearing. Epifania accepts the challenge (even though he has to borrow the two hundred piastres from her) and arranges for him to get the one hundred fifty pounds. She departs, leaving the doctor to wonder if she's not one of Allah's jokes on humanity (and on himself in particular). Epifania tries to get work at a sweatshop somewhere in London, but the owner and his wife are scared that she’s really a labor Inspector and try to bribe her off. In the course of their conversation, Epifania learns not only about the workings of the sweatshop but also the conditions most female workers have to exist under. She begins to suggest certain ideas to cut out the middlemen that the owner and his wife have to deal with and how the operation can be upgraded to make it more profitable for everyone. Epifania leaves (not finding much of a challenge for her here) to get a job elsewhere, but promising to return every so often to keep things running smoothly (in effect, taking control over the business from the owner and his wife); her intelligence and force of will are so powerful that the owner and his wife have no choice but to comply. Alistair and Polly are enjoying a quiet weekend at the riverside inn from Act Two which has been rebuilt and remodeled into a first-class hotel. The manager tells them the story about how a newly hired scullery-maid got control of the old inn, upgraded everything and eventually took over, forcing the old owners (his parents) out but giving him a well-paying job and making the business a major success. Alistair is horrified to discover that Epifania is the scullery-maid of the story and is about to beat a hasty retreat with Polly when Sagamore arrives with Blenderbland, who is still recovering from the injuries inflicted upon him by Epifania in Act Two. Blenderbland intends suing Epifania for damages and hospital costs, which Sagamore hopes Alistair and Polly can talk him out of. Epifania arrives and upon learning of Blenderbland's plan orders Sagamore to begin countersuit proceedings against Blenderbland, insisting that she will not submit to blackmail. Sagamore finally makes Blenderbland see that suing Epifania would be a waste of time; not only will her financial means outlast his, but a jury (presumably all-male) would have no sympathy with a man who had been thrashed by a woman. With that matter out of the way, Epifania finally decides to divorce Alistair on the grounds of spousal abuse (he had accidentally knocked her out with a solar plexus punch during a fight on their honeymoon) and announces her intention to find a man truly worthy of her. At that moment, the Egyptian doctor enters, having been summoned to attend Blenderbland, and Epifania announces her intention to marry him, having easily fulfilled the conditions of his mother’s test. However, the doctor has NOT fulfilled the terms of her father’s test; he has used the money to help the widow of his old medical teacher. It turns out that the teacher had invented a new type of filament but never filed for a patent on it, and the doctor had forced the company using the filament to compensate the inventor’s widow, thereby (in retrospect) investing in the discovery and making more than the required fifty thousand pounds. Blenderbland warns the doctor that in marrying Epifania he will be headed for trouble, but Epifania counters with, “What do the unmarried know of this infinitely dangerous heart tearing ever-changing life of adventure that we call marriage? Face it as you would face a dangerous operation: have you not performed hundreds of them?” The fact that the doctor has fallen in love with Epifania’s pulse (the strongest and steadiest he has ever encountered) settles the matter, and Epifania instructs Sagamore to arrange both her divorce and the marriage proceedings.