Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All for You

About the show

At a Christmas lecture, a nun named Sister Mary Ignatius explains to the audience the basic tenets of Catholicism. She is assisted by her favorite student, seven-year-old Thomas. From time to time, she asks him catechism questions and gives him a cookie for every right answer. Her speech is interrupted when four of her former students Gary Sullivan, Diane Symonds, Philomena Rostovich, and Aloysius Benheim enter dressed as Saint Joseph, the Virgin Mary, and two halves of a camel. The four remind Sister that she had asked them to come perform the pageant they had performed when they were students in her class. After the pageant, it becomes apparent that the four have strayed from Mary Ignatious's teaching: Diane has had two abortions (the first one from a rape at age 18); Philomena is an unwed mother; Aloysius is an alcoholic who beats his wife and contemplates suicide; Gary is gay. They reveal that they were never asked to come in and merely wanted Mary Ignatius, because they each have a reason for hating her: Aloysius was refused bathroom privileges frequently and now has bladder problems; Philomena was hit for being a poor student; Gary is there on behalf of his boyfriend Jeff; and Diane had believed Mary Ignatius's teachings until her mother died of breast cancer and she was raped the same day. Diane reveals that she has brought a gun to kill Sister, something the other three were not aware of. Sister grabs a gun from behind her lectern and shoots Diane in self-defense. She also shoots Gary, proclaiming that she has sent him to heaven, as he'd been to confession earlier that day. She then points the gun at Aloysius, who needs to go to the bathroom, before handing it to Thomas so she can take a nap. The play ends with Thomas pointing the gun at Aloysius while explaining the perfections of God, Diane and Gary's dead bodies on the floor, and Sister asleep.