Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
Inside a lively casino near the French Riviera ("Overture"), con-artist Lawrence Jameson is tricking wealthy women out of their money with the help of his "bodyguard" Andre ("Give Them What They Want"). Muriel Eubanks and a few other women express their devotion and amorous feelings for Lawrence, who has conned them ("What Was a Woman To Do"). Andre warns Lawrence about a highly successful con-artist known as "The Jackal", who is said to be visiting the area. Later, aboard a train, Lawrence watches an American named Freddy Benson (who he figures is The Jackal) swindle a woman, but notes that Freddy makes much less money than Lawrence does. Lawrence brings Freddy to his lavish mansion, where Freddy envies Lawrence's success as a swindler and describes everything he'll have when he's rich ("Great Big Stuff"). Freddy asks Lawrence to show him his ways. Andre thinks Freddy is unworthy of Lawrence's attention and compares Freddy to a chimp in a suit ("Chimp in a Suit"). Lawrence is reluctant Freddy's request until Jolene Oakes, a woman he's conned, informs him at gunpoint that he's going to marry her and move with her to Oklahoma ("Oklahoma?"). Lawrence decides to use Freddy's help: Freddy poses as Lawrence's repulsive brother Ruprecht. Seeing that Lawrence plans to make Ruprecht a large part of their life together, Jolene calls off the wedding and leaves him behind. ("All About Ruprecht") After the pair argue over who did the most work, Lawrence begins to think that there isn't enough room in town for both him and Freddy. They make a bet: the first to swindle a woman out of $50,000 gets to stay in town, while the other has to leave. Immediately after they agree on this, the arrival of "The American Soap Queen" is announced. Her name is Christine Colgate, and she is optimistic, naive and hopelessly clumsy, constantly bumping into people ("Here I Am"). Both con men decide to target her. Freddy presents himself as a war veteran paralyzed from the waist down to win Christine's sympathy and get close to her. Christine and Freddy discuss his medical options and he explains that only one therapist, Dr. Shuffhausen, can help him, but he can't afford Dr. Shuffhausen's $50,000 fee. Christine tells him to keep his hopes up ("Nothing Is Too Wonderful To Be True") and offers to pay for the therapy just as Freddy had hoped ("The Miracle"). She reveals that Dr. Shuffhausen is at the hotel, and Freddy is shocked to discover that Lawrence is posing as Shuffhausen. After a short introduction ("Entr'acte"), Lawrence as Shuffhausen performs several torturous tests on Freddy's legs ("Ruffhousin' Mit Shuffhausen"), who has to endure them without complaint. In the side show Muriel meets Andre and the two fall in love ("Like Zis/Like Zat"). Taking Christine to a dance, Lawrence makes every effort to get close to her while Freddy helplessly watches ("The More We Dance"). When he realizes that Christine is not as rich as the men thought after she tells him she sold her possessions to afford the fee, Lawrence tells Freddy that they should call off their $50,000 bet. Freddy reluctantly agrees and they agree on new terms: whoever beds Christine gets to stay. Freddy convinces two sailors to kidnap Lawrence so that he can have Christine to himself. Freddy meets with Christine at the hotel where he tells her his condition isn't physical, but he needs emotional motivation to get out of his chair. She says she'll be his motivation ("Love Is My Legs"). She sits on the bed until he is finally able to stand up out of his chair and walk to her on the bed (where he "accidentally" falls on top of her in exhaustion). Lawrence then shows up and it turns out to be a test planned by him and Christine. Afterwards, Lawrence has the same two sailors kidnap Freddy while he takes Christine to the train station so she can leave, though feels conflicted after seeing how virtuous she was ("Love Sneaks In"). Freddy shows up, having escaped the sailors too late to get to Christine. The next day Freddy meets Christine back at the hotel, who says she couldn't leave without seeing him again. When the two agree to have sex, Freddy is excited over it and winning the bet, but realizes he has real feelings for Christine ("Son of Great Big Stuff"). The two get in bed together before the scene is switched to Lawrence's mansion where Christine arrives, telling him tearfully how she came back to see Freddy, how they had sex, and then when she woke up all her money was gone: “I’m beginning to think he was never really paralyzed.” Out of remorse and believing Freddy was responsible, Lawrence packs 50 thousand dollars in a suitcase and tells her to take it. Christine takes it, but returns and gives him back the suitcase saying, "I’ll have something so much better to remember you by" before leaving. A few minutes later Freddy shows up in his underwear. Lawrence is angry at him for taking Christine's money, but Freddy claims that they never had sex at all; they were about to when she knocked him out, and when he woke up all his belongings were gone. Lawrence then opens up the suitcase to find the money gone, replaced by Freddy's clothes and a note that reads, “Goodbye boys. It was fun! Love, 'The Jackal'”, thus revealing that she knew about their scam the entire time, and instead ended up scamming them ("The Reckoning"). The two men reflect on the events at Lawrence's chateau, agreeing that despite what happened, the entire thing was a ton of fun ("Dirty Rotten Number"). A while later Christine shows up, posing as a real-estate agent and bringing a group of tourists with her. After distracting the tourists, she reunites with Lawrence and Freddy, telling them that although she's made millions from scams in the past year, taking their money was the most fun. The men join Christine's scheme to scam the crowd of people together in the "Finale".