Nunsense
Five of the 19 surviving Little Sisters of Hoboken, a one-time missionary order that ran a leper colony on an island south of France, discover that their cook, Sister Julia, Child of God, accidentally killed the other fifty-two residents of the convent with her tainted vichyssoise while they were off playing bingo with a group of Maryknolls. Upon discovering the disaster, Mother Superior had a vision in which she was told to start a greeting card company to raise funds for the burials. The greeting cards were an enormous success and, thinking there was plenty of money, the Reverend Mother bought a VCR and camcorder for the convent, leaving her with no money in the kitty to pay for the last four burials. With the deceased nuns on ice in the deep freeze, they decide to stage a variety show in the Mount Saint Helen's School auditorium to raise the necessary amount. Participating in the project are Mother Superior Mary Regina, a former circus performer who can not resist the spotlight; her competitive but dignified rival, second-in-command Sister Mary Hubert; Sister Robert Anne, a streetwise nun from Brooklyn; Sister Mary Leo, a novice who is determined to be the world's first ballerina nun; and wacky, childlike Sister Mary Amnesia, who lost her memory when a crucifix fell on her head. The entertainment that they present includes solo star turns, madcap dance routines, and an audience quiz. Naturally, VCRs and camcorders are now no longer such current or expensive devices, so modern presentations of the show tend to substitute newer or more generic terms such as "home entertainment system" or a "plasma TV". Mother Superior opens the show by greeting the audience and apologizing for their set constraints (the middle school still has the set for "Grease" up), and the five nuns introduce themselves in the opening number ("Nunsense is Habit-Forming"). The Sisters then explain in song how they got where they are today, originally working in a leper colony near France, but quickly leaving after some of the Sisters developed leprosy themselves ("A Difficult Transition"), and after the song, Sister Amnesia quizzes the audience on it. Sister Mary Leo then performs a dance interpretation of morning at the convent (Benedicite), but starts to get too flamboyant, and is stopped by Sister Mary Hubert, who reminds her "The Biggest Ain't The Best". Reverend Mother comes back on stage, only to be stopped by Sister Robert Anne, who pleads with her to let her sing a solo. Reverend Mother refuses, reminding Robert Anne she is only the understudy, prompting Robert Anne to launch into a song about just that ("Playing Second Fiddle"). Mary Amnesia comes on next and sings a song about what it's like to be a nun, along with a foul-mouthed puppet, Sister Mary Annette ("So You Want To Be A Nun"). Reverend Mother returns and apologizes, but is shocked to hear from Mary Amnesia that the Jersey Board of Health has sent an inspector to the convent just that afternoon. Amnesia runs off crying, and the rest of the Sisters follow, except for Reverend Mother. She tells the audience how she became a nun, but still somewhat misses performing ("Turn Up the Spotlight"). Amnesia, Leo, and Hubert return, and learn that a local Jewish temple has sent them flowers wishing them good luck. They try to use the flowers to remind Amnesia of her past, but all she can get is a quick flashback ("Lilacs"). Robert Anne rushes on stage to give Reverend Mother a bag that she seems troubled about, claiming she found it in one of the girls' bathrooms. Reverend Mother dismisses the rest of the Sisters, and has a look in the bag, the contents of which ultimately get her high - hilariously so. The rest of the Sisters notice, and put on a hastily thrown-together tap number to close the first act and get her off the stage ("Tackle That Temptation"). Robert Anne opens the second act, overjoyed at being able to finally take a starring role. She sings a slow ballad about how church has changed since she was a little girl ("Growing Up Catholic"). The rest of the nuns rush on afterwards, led by an especially distraught Reverend Mother, who has received a summons from the Board of Health that "We've Got to Clean Out the Freezer". Reverend Mother is calmed down by Mary Hubert, who reminds her that they've got to stick together in times of crisis like this ("Just a Coupl'a Sisters"). Mary Leo and Robert Anne then perform "The Dying Nun Ballet", which the Reverend Mother does not receive well. Amnesia and Hubert return with Sister Julia, Child of God's cookbook and put on a short cooking show segment, which is interrupted by the fact that the book is full of misprints and innuendos. Reverend Mother finally gives in and lets Robert Anne sing her number, "I Just Want to Be a Star". Amnesia, Robert Anne, and Leo then perform an Andrews Sisters-type number ("The Drive-In"), then show a "homemade convent film display", which is shut off by Reverend Mother after it shows embarrassing clips of her. Amnesia remains on stage after the rest leave, and decides to tell the audience a story about who she would be if she wasn't a nun ("I Could've Gone to Nashville"). Mid-song, everything comes back to her and she remembers her real name - Sister Mary Paul - and her past. She was going to be a famous country singer, but chose the convent instead. She tells the rest of the sisters, who realize that Sister Mary Paul is also the name of the nun who just won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes, and rejoice, thanking God for their good fortune. Sister Hubert closes the show with a rousing gospel number about what it takes to become a saint ("Holier Than Thou").